Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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