Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
