I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
