i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Did I show you my penis last night?
it's like heaven, but drunker
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
