Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
