when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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