We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
