god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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