8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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