my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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