I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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