Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
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in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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