I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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