Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
