she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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