I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
