I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
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I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
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Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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