woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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