my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
