remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
