All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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