I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
