i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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