Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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