guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
