also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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