i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
