she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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