There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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