Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
