i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
