Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
