yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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