Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
