I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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