Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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