After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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