I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
