Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
did i walk over a car last night?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
