Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
