you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
