I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
