I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
