What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
