Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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