T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
