Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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