I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
