I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
