I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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