God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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