You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
