Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
