i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
