You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
