Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
