Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
