Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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