maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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