I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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