Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
