Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
